but right in the middle of a paragraph I could no longer contain myself. I had to say a few words because when someone as outrageous and screwed up as Charlie Sheen shares your birthday it is almost criminal to remain silent. Ah yes, silence, more golden than the tin cups Charlie claims to Midas touch for a certain gentleman he no longer adores.
Yes it’s true. Charlie and I share a birthday. I know, it’s hard to conceive that Mr. Sheen even has a birthday but to share it with me is beyond bizarre. We are so opposed that we could be from different planets which then cast a shadow of serious doubt on the whole business of astrology. But I digress, what I really wanted to say is this: in honor of Charlie’s recent brass band and parade melt down I’m posting a special video message for Carlos with a suggestion attached: Charlie honey, please give up crack, booze and cigarettes. Instead of getting completely clean ( which we know is nearly impossible at this point as the notion of being without a crutch on which to lean is traumatizing to you) just slide that addiction over to another, better and less deadly obsession for both your body and career. Of course I’m referring to that very free drug that people rarely use anymore, it’s called silence. Become the new Silence addict. Be quiet, don’t open your lips, not even to sigh. Say nothing, nada. Bathe in the deep waters of muteness. If so inclined, go all out and do a monk gig up in the Himalayas. Whatever you do, don’t let anyone take this new drug away, even if they have a radio show, microphone, or HBO idea. And, for the love of all things book related, do NOT ink a deal with any publisher. You are not a writer Charlie, I repeat, you are not a writer. However, if you are successful at not uttering a single word, you may be asked by some producer somewhere who has a forgiving heart, to pretend you’re a writer for movie or televison role. This is as close as you should ever get to the profession of story telling.
There ya go Charlie. Now just hush up will ya and let the real writers do their thing. Also, could you please refrain from expelling your ranting lunacy anywhere near a media outlet? It’s distracting me from my work. 😉
Enjoy the video Carlos, then get off the damn internet! Typing is considered talking too.