There I was
all lonesome and confused
feeling like a fool just looking to be used
when who should appear
in large white boots
and some serious eyewear
Johnny Depp of course!
He slid in beside me on a very narrow bench by the lake
a new lake
one I’d never been to before
“Open your left hand.” Johnny whispered in my ear
a little too conspiratorial for my liking
but I was curious and produced my open left hand, palm up
Into which he dropped three different car keys
A green key for a Mazda
A blue key for a Toyota
And a pink key for a Ford
I was shocked that he was giving me three cars
“Oh, you can only have one car, you must choose which key. It’s for your birthday present!” He said, grinning from ear to ear, LITERALLY from one earlobe to the other. Johnny Depp has a very wide mouth I pondered while he patiently waited for me to make a choice.
“Johnny, it’s not my birthday and it’s weird that you are giving me a car.”
“Take it, he said. “It’s an early birthday gift.”
I looked at the keys, feeling uneasy and chose the Toyota. A that point Johnny Depp started to walk away very slowly, actually like a snail, low to the ground with legs that were becoming shorter with each step. Something was troubling me about his gift. It wasn’t sensible. The more I ruminated on this the closer I got to a eureka moment and when I did I whistled to Johnny Depp.
“Hey, Johnny, get your ass over here I have a bone to pick with you.”
In an instant (and I do mean immediately) Johnny was standing by my side, his earlobe to earlobe grin looking sleazy and liar like. “What is it you want?” he asked.
“Well Johnny, you think you’re pretty slick don’t you? I knew you weren’t giving me a car out of the goodness of your Hollywood heart. How much did you pay for the car you gave me?”
Johnny coughed like a nervous dog. “It was selling for two grand but it’s used of course. It works, don’t worry about that, at least it started five days ago. If anything is wrong with it don’t be too concerned you can get it fixed and it won’t cost much. Just take it.”
I stepped in real close and cozy, the end of my nose touching the end of Johnny Depp’s. “Lets be personal Johnny,” I said low and serious. “I know very well that you’ve been selling used cars for years. If you bought this one for me for two grand, you collect at least eighteen hundred dollars from the commission. You know what that means don’t ya?”
Johnny swallowed hard. “Uh…no.”
“It means you are only paying two hundred dollars for that damn car. Ha! Some gift giver you are. Know what you are Johnny Depp? You’re nothing but a cheap used car salesman with an earlobe grin.”
And there you have it folks. You thought Johnny Depp was Jack Sparrow or that kid from 21 Jump Street, or perhaps a tourist and butt of Ricky Gervais’ jokes but you were wrong…oh.so.wrong. Johnny sells used cars and I got the dream Toyota to prove it too!